of course there are more than just 10 things in life that make me happy, but here is a random list for this sunny saturday…….
just because…. :-)
1. the 5 minutes in between my snooze alarm and the next ring
2. reaching into a winter jacket pocket on it’s first time out of the closet and finding a $20 bill
3. how excited ella is when we come home. and she’ll be just as excited the next time too…
4. a clean apartment
5. the flicker of lights on the subway tracks after waiting for 20 minutes for a train
6. sewing endlessly on my pink vintage necchi
7. prospect park. just can’t get enough of it!
8. my backyard in summertime
9. all things french (including my hubby of course :-)
10. the holidays!!!
happy saturday, i can hardly believe that thanksgiving is next week! how time flies when you’re having fun (oh, and also when you’re busy ;-)
it’s been forever since i have last posted an entry. close to three months! i hope you are still out there, perhaps only hanging on by a thread, a small glimmer of hope, waiting patiently for me to come back…..i know my content is lacking. this my friends, i am painfully aware of.
i have somehow managed to reminded myself each and every day that i need to write a post and then never do. it’s not by accident. it’s conscious procrastination founded on my lack of motivation. and it’s not because i don’t want to write, or because i don’t have anything to say. in fact, it’s just the opposite. i have an almost overwhelming amount of things going on right now, thoughts, ideas and so much rushing around my head like crazy – – but when i get ready to share, i end up recoiling. i get scared. do i want to tell so much, expose my innermost feelings – my hopes and fears – – and yikes! could i possibly take the criticism or judgement?
i’ve hit a patch of time and space of uncertainty where i have this inexplicable self-doubt. i am taking risks, pushing myself and venturing into the new, and it’s not easy. most people just don’t, or won’t, admit that. the people who act like soldiers with big tall walls built up around them like a fortress of emotional security – no one gets in…and nothing gets out. i really think they’ve got it all wrong.
so here i am now – sharing, with you – my friends (and kind lurkers)…..i’m nothing short of super crazy excited to be on the path i’m running down right now. i’m focused, i’m energetic, i’m thinking positive thoughts….but that nagging devil’s advocate we call fear silently tugs at me. i’ll shake it off, let it roll off my back and focus on all the good stuff, the positivity i can, thankfully, always manage to scrounge up from somewhere.
so now just promise me one thing – promise me that you won’t judge. i’ve given you the dish on why i purposefully (but temporarily) abandoned my blog. will you come back, and stay….?
let’s call it a truce…i think now we’re even :-)
(plus…now that i’m back, i have tons of stuff to tell you!!) :-)
i began writing this blog when i moved to the south of france a year and a half ago, as a way to keep my friends and family at home in the loop, to share photos and to tell stories. it turned out that i really enjoyed writing, one or two people actually read my blog from time to time – and it became a way for me to get my thoughts off my chest….talk things through, so to speak. i guess now it’s growing along with me….
i am most inspired to write from the heart about my true self – what i’m thinking about, what i’m working towards at the moment share a bit about who i am. down to earth and genuine.
have i been avoiding this in my writing lately?
putting things on paper, writing something in ink means confronting those innermost fears and worries.
sometimes we need to go at our own pace – even if it’s a pace unlike those around us. swim against the current, divert.
so instead of talking things through – out loud, i’m taking some time to look inward, re-group, re-center, find calm, find solace. to disconnect, unplug, log off – step back a few paces.
i wanted to share with you a post i wrote over a year ago in france – this is one of my favorite places on earth, cap d’antibes. so beautiful a place, i often go there again in my dreams. hindsight is always 20/20 but many times we can really take our own advice. i just need to take a deep breath, relax…..
(originally written and posted on march 23rd, 2009. all photos were taken by me.)
take a deep breath, relax…..
in a world of uncertainty, constant change and self-discovery where the road can be long and winding…..we may sometimes feel lost, many times worried or unsure what the future may bring us. if you are like me, and find the search exciting and very much worth the effort, you may also feel the pressure (even if only our own on ourselves) weighing in heavily.
we all need to take a break, take some deep breaths and realize that everything works out in ways sometimes we don’t, or can’t, understand. the outcome may not even matter – – we are not reader’s of the future, of our own or others. happiness is not fleeting….it sticks around, if you let it.
in those times of self-doubt, which i know everyone has, albeit probably more often than we like…..a break, an escape, a parting with life’s bothers is greatly needed.
let me take you to a place that can make those worries a faint whisper, a long parted trouble and taken away in the wind. a place that has the ability to pull out of you those nagging troubles, no matter what they may be – – however insignificant or faint…..
beauty has that effect on me, at least. i arrive with more than what i leave with. the hands in the wind grab at what nags at me at takes it away, lifts it off my shoulders. launches it into the horizon, far, far away…..
i can only be eternally thankful for what i have been lucky enough to experience in my life. the sights, the sounds, the people. and these i will hold dear and never let go……
for they provide me with solace, escape and utter happiness. they have given me insight into myself and they are part of the pieces of me. what makes me who i am.
so let me take you to a place that can make those worries a faint whisper…
take a deep breath, relax…
inhale the beauty and let your worries drift far, far away into the wind….and beyond.
(link to original post: https://sansmap.wordpress.com/2009/03/23/take-a-deep-breath-relax/)
it was one year ago, this week. i can hardly even believe so much time has passed, it seems like just yesterday.
with a knot in the deepest pit of my stomach, unsure of what would come next, sad and excited at the same time….i was leaving the south of france. a place i had called home, explored, visited and fell in love with….
what ended up being a pivotal point in my life, my journey took me back to the states. what was next?
can you believe that one year ago i didn’t know how to sew? i didn’t even have a machine. the thought of sewing hadn’t even crossed my mind yet….amazing how change happens in split seconds, small moments in time – insignificant snippets, but of the utmost importance now.
some people think old dogs can’t learn new tricks, and that some people can never change.
i don’t consider myself any more dedicated, more goal-seeking or any tougher than anyone else. it just so happens that all of the things in my life came together last year – were the stars aligned just for me? i doubt it, huh. but it sure felt like it.
with the absence of my old daily routines, self-pressures, stresses and the many distractions that we all face freed my mind and allowed me to brush those things out of the way. to see clearly, to see myself clearly.
i was sad to leave the south of france. i still think about it almost every day. i’ll smell something or see something that instantly transports me back in time. i smile. and am thankful to have been able to weave these experiences into who i am. or, strengthen who i always was – in order to break free and shine.
it is a time for bittersweet reflection. not for a longing of what was, or what could have been….but what is.
a look back, a sentimental smile, happiness….small choices add up to big changes. big changes are made up of small ideas, experiences and perhaps a pinch of luck.
it’s never too late nor too insignificant.
how time flies……!
finding my place in this life is an on-going, ever-changing evolution. i know i have talked about this before and with good reason….i’m not letting up and i’m still headed in the right direction. it’s not like anyone else has it all figured out….(come on…you know i’m right…)…
year over year, i find myself growing up and growing into – who i am. who i always was, have been and will be.
but, i’ve shifted my thinking. i’ve shed, shaken, sold, downsized, stopped…..grown, gathered, embraced, saved and changed.
…and i’ve sewed.
a defining moment. and that was just the tip of the iceberg. one spontaneous decision to buy a vintage sewing machine – that i didn’t know how to use nor did i even know how to sew for that matter – changed the course of my life. literally.
i’m ready, i’m set and i’m determined. not to sit in a cube in a grey colored office each day just because that is what i do. because it’s not what i do nor who i am. and just to think that one simple, even spontaneous, decision can change it all.
(don’t worry, i’m not planning on making any rash decisions……arrgh, if only.)
i sew, i create, i dream. i think, i plan and i wish. most of which, i might add, doesn’t happen in those grey colored offices. (except for a little thinking i’d say……)
but, then i get to come home to this….
and everything is better, everything seems right…
and i know that i finally, after all this time, have found my place.
my walk home each day isn’t so much methodical as it is necessary. besides the actual getting home part.
i think of it as more of a process…
down the elevator 9 floors, out the unnecessarily heavy front doors of my office and with each step i take forward i leave a piece of my day behind. like a heavy wool cloak made up of many layers, i shed them with ease, one by one, as though untying the silky ribbon that holds them in place during the day.
i round the first corner of my block, and standing tall as if keeping watch on all us ants below, the empire state building shines down on me with all her glory. in plain view, just a mere 3 blocks away. each day i look upwards and the twinkle of this iconic beauty helps remind me that what i do to earn my keep in no way defines who i am or restricts me from doing what’s me.
this city is beautiful, not anything that i would have imagined yet so much more. a city that truly never sleeps and seems to move on each day like clockwork, tick, toc. tick, toc. like well oiled gears that move in rhythm, this city is a wondrous and special place; i’m so glad i’m here and this is just the beginning. i want you to know i’m smiling.
sentimental at heart, i can’t help but wonder what the immediate future has in store for me. so grateful to have done the things i have done in the past few years. memories that are a part of me, each one a single piece shaping and molding my future. perhaps everything was building up to this – for me to be here, at this moment in time, for whatever reason. do you believe in fate?
each time i have moved, i have seemed to fall in love with my surroundings.
but this time the feeling is different, do you think that new york could be ‘the one’.
i sure hope so, it feels like i belong.
for a person whose day consists of numbers, facts, charts, sales reports and needing to know margin percents….i sure don’t feel like that person when i get home. up the flight of cement and tile stairs, i leave the subway from the city, and enter brooklyn, my home. and by now all the layers of my cloak are gone in the wind.
perhaps i have found a unique balance of left and right-brained activities for this all to work in harmony. well, for now at least.
facts, figures, charts, go-go-go…….vintage aesthetic, tactile fabric, the hum of a sewing machine and calm.
this city either chews you up and spits you out, or welcomes you in and gives you a piece of itself. then it’s up to you to make of it what you will.
and i plan on doing just that.